Independent woman?

I'm often taken aback when people ask if I can drive immediately after seeing me exit my vehicle by myself. I suppose I find it so odd because it's normal to me. I would never consider asking an able-bodied person exiting a vehicle the same question. They would most likely assume I had a screw loose or that I certainly must be joking. That being said, allow me to pose a question.

What is normal?

Myself and a few of my disabled friends were taught early on that we weren't "normal." I was fortunate enough to be mainstreamed into "regular" classes with "regular" children. Despite being in advanced and honors classes throughout middle and high school, I was under the label of Exceptional Student Education (ESE). To this day, I find myself using certain terms in regards to able-bodied persons. It's hard not to when you've been conditioned to do so.

So many times, I tell those I've met that my disability doesn't define who I am as a person. Often times, I believe myself.  Then there are times that I get frustrated with myself and even with my disability. The fact that I have to depend on others for such basic needs as putting on my shoes and leg braces and getting in and out of the shower is something I struggle with on a daily basis.

How is it I can get dressed, cook, drive and many other things on my own, but am not able to do those two things? It's very difficult to accept the fact that I may never be 100% independent. On the flip side, I'm only as independent as I am thanks to my mother. She literally shut doors in my face, just to make sure I could open them when I was by myself. For that, I'm thankful. Her favorite thing to say to me was, "What would you do if I wasn't here?" My first reaction was that I wouldn't be trying to do whatever it was that was giving me a hard time.

I now know that was not the correct attitude to have. I had to earn the independence that I do have and have to appreciate it daily. There won't always be an automatic door or someone to open a door for me, or someone to pick something up that's fallen. These minor obstacles are part of my day to day life along with a slew of others. However, I chose to focus on the positive.

I've been told that I make everything I do look so easy, so effortless. That couldn't be farther from the truth. As I've stated in a previous blog post, I have to think about everything I do, every motion I make. If I want to stand up, I have to count to three, then stand up. In essence, I have to prepare my brain for the next action my body's going to perform. While that can be challenging at times, it's almost second nature to me now.

Speaking of challenges, I encourage you to take five minutes after reading this and pick a daily task you always do. When you open that car door, stir the food you're cooking for dinner, or whatever the case may be, think about every action you do. How do you hold your keys? The spoon?

Now imagine doing that all day, every day. That is my day-to-day life as a dis-handi-capable person.

Inspirational?

Lately, I've had a lot of people tell me how inspirational I am to them. I simply smile and thank them. While I do want to inspire and influence people in a positive way, I've had a difficult time hearing that I am considered "inspiring" to some. There seems to be a gap between my expectations and reality. It wasn't until recently that I became very self conscious of the fact that I am the only one in a wheelchair in all the Zumba classes I attend. 

Whenever I walk into a class, I get looks from others. Maybe because I always stand in the front (more on that later). It's almost as though they're thinking, "Oh, she's gonna try Zumba." Once class starts and they realize I'm able to keep up with not only them, but the instructor, I'm no longer their focus. After class, a few will come up and compliment me.

The truth is that I'm there to exercise like they are, I just happen to do it sitting down. Being disabled, overweight or both, in my case, does not exempt you from needing to work out. It's taken me years to remember that. The topic of motivation is also often brought to my attention. "I wish I had your motivation," is a common phrase I hear. If seeing me work out despite my disability motivates you, great. However to me, it sounds more like, "Aw, look at you making the effort." I guarantee that if I were able-bodied, no one would give me a second look. 

That brings me back to why I stand in the front in my Zumba classes. The first reason is obviously so I can see the instructor. It's difficult to see from a seated position when you have people standing in front of you. The other reason, as I've mentioned in a previous blog post, is due to my Cerebral Palsy. Visual cues are extremely important. My brain takes a few seconds longer than most to process things. That can be extremely challenging in class.

So there I am in the front of the class while able-bodied people, who are regulars, stand in the back. There's plenty of room. Why not stand in the front? Then there are the people who simply just give up. I didn't give up during my first class, nor have I given up since. My arms have to do twice the work because I'm not using my feet as much as everyone else, which means barely being able to move them after class most of the time.

At the age of 8, I looked at my mother and told her that I was put on this earth to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. I'm here to show others that sitting down or standing up, nothing is going to stop me.

I can and I will accomplish everything I set my mind to.

Zumba for those who can't stand for prolonged periods of time or in a wheelchair

If you think you can't exercise for whatever reason, you're wrong. Zumba instructor Christina Clarke and I have taken routines from a regular class and modified them. 

You just need to take the first step to get healthy/into shape. Why not start out slow with these routines?

If I can do it, so can you!

Video #1 - Limbo by Daddy Yankee (6/22/2013)

Video #2 - Baila Baila - JenCarlos Canela ft Pitbull & El Cata (6/29/2013)

Video #3 - On the Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft Pitbull (7/3/2013)

My journey encounters a few stumbling blocks...

We all hit stumbling blocks at some point in our lives, whether it be at school, home, or work. They can be big ones or ones just big enough to be annoying. I've come across and overcome so many in my lifetime that I took them for granted. How does one take those for granted? Well, you just assume that whenever one does weasel its way into your life, you'll handle it. At least that was my philosophy until two months ago.

As I've previously mentioned, I'm currently attending physical therapy twice a week. The outlook in April was a very bright one. My walking was improving and nothing could stop me. On May 14th, I walked with crutches for the first time in my life. Before my therapist dropped me at the age of 10, the doctor's goal was for me to be able to transition from a walker to crutches. Twenty-five years later, that goal had finally been met.

While I was terrified, I was also excited and dare I say, in awe. When I started physical therapy in late January, I never imagined I'd be walking, let alone on crutches. Things were going well for about three weeks then one of those sneaky stumbling blocks firmly planted itself in my way. I noticed one weekend that I was unable to bear any weight on my feet and the most I could do was shuffle my feet. Pain relievers and Bengay weren't really helping the pain.

My therapist and I were equally confused as to what was causing the pain. After consulting a few other therapists, it was concluded that the way I use/walk on the crutches stretches my calf muscles. Due to the fact that I wear AFOs (braces on my legs), those muscles haven't really been used throughout my life. That, coupled with pushing myself a little too hard, was the culprit. Now that we knew what was causing the pain, the only thing left to do was place heat and Biofreeze on my calves and wait.

After what felt like an eternity (2 weeks to be exact), I was able to go back to the crutches. It was as though I had been walking all along, which I'm so thankful for.

Over the course of the two weeks, I was continually getting frustrated and annoyed with myself. I didn't understand why my "stupid" legs didn't want to cooperate. I wanted nothing more than to get up and walk and it wasn't happening. I couldn't even take two steps without my calves killing me. There were moments where I felt like all that hard work was for nothing. Then I realized something.

I'm not, nor have I ever been, a quitter.

Persistence has always been the key to my success and this time was no different. It's been roughly a month and a half that I've been walking with crutches again. So far, so good.

The next pebble I need to get out of my shoe is my fear and self doubt.